The Insidious, Evil Nature of Alcohol
It is a predator lurking in the shadows, ready and willing to pounce and grab its next prey
My relationship with alcohol started so innocently and I was quickly whisked off my feet into a budding romance. I remember when alcohol and I first met. After watching it destroy my mom and stepdad, I never thought that our relationship would take a steep, left turn. We were different people and our relationship wouldn’t be catastrophic.
Why would it have been so fun, that first night that I drank, if it was just an evil temptress in disguise? I clearly didn’t think I would have the same problems my mother had because I was a good person. At 16, you know very little.
Alcohol seduced me and captured my soul in an instant, lying to me and telling me that I was special. I could handle it. I was lied to and hooked before I could understand what was happening.
Alcohol is insidious because it can enter your life and create a need unknowingly. A problem can go unnoticed for enough time to trick you into believing you are in control. This creates a cognitive dissonance in our brains, which makes it easier to lie to ourselves about our consumption.
My younger days were carefree and I was the life of the party. I drank and partied at every event, thinking I had it all under control. After dropping out of college because I couldn’t keep my balancing act straight, I headed to the workforce and tried to balance all of my relationships; my boyfriend, work, friends, and of course, my side relationship with alcohol.
I didn’t realize it at the time but alcohol had a tight grip around my neck that would later choke me — leaving me gasping for air, wanting to return to my life before our relationship. I was not even quite 20 years old yet, and alcohol was already beginning to corrupt me.
Alcohol promised it would make me charismatic and pretty, and that everyone would like me. I would be socially accepted, despite my flaws. It would make me fun and the life of the party, but little did I know all of the horrible consequences that were lurking, ready to encapsulate my entire being.
I knew my side relationship was going south but I couldn’t see my life without it. I needed my beloved alcohol to function in social situations and most of the time, it lifted my moods. But, evil was always lurking in the shadows and I fell for its insidious nature time and time again. I bargained and started lying to myself that I was young and I didn’t have to straighten up quite yet.
Alcohol is sneaky like that. No one thinks they will become addicted but in reality, no one is immune to its cunning and baffling nature. Alcohol interferes with your normal brain function, causing you to think differently and make rash decisions.
Life was hectic in my late 20s, with two toddlers in tow. After two pregnancies where I remained free of alcohol for lengths at a time, I thought that I had everything under control. If I could quit for 10 months at a time, I didn’t have any issues with alcohol. I kept proving to be different from my mother. I tricked myself into believing that I could drink like everyone else I knew.
Being a stay-at-home mom for two little girls, I didn’t realize that this was going to allow alcohol in even deeper. Our relationship started to become extremely toxic. The lying got worse and I became trapped. My anxiety took over and its grip on me became tighter. I started to drown and couldn’t see a life preserver in sight.
I began making terrible decisions all while lying to myself and others, continuing to keep up a facade but one that was slowly shattering. I couldn’t keep the pieces together and began slipping deep into its wrath.
Alcohol took me into a plunging hole and I started to behave just like my mother, the one person I vowed to be nothing like. Alcohol is quick-witted and will stomp out any alarming fire in the mind, pretending that it was a false alarm, while the fire continues to ravage anything beautiful.
I reasoned that my kids were so young so they wouldn’t understand or pick up on my behaviors. How stupid could I be? I was so naive. I was infatuated with alcohol, the liquid poison that let all of my intuition escape, but one to cause a major amount of wreckage in my life.
Looking back, I am so ashamed of my behavior from this time in my life. I couldn’t see anything clearly because my entire being was clouded by alcohol. I thought that if I had a home, a car, and was married with kids, I had it all together. Why couldn’t I drink to excess? But, alcohol was ready to turn me into Dr. Jekyll, or was it Hyde? My personality changed in an instant, creating a monster inside me anytime alcohol passed my lips.
I thought no one would know if I drank in the morning. I thought I could cover up my intoxication while picking my daughters up from preschool. I had playdates at my house while taking breaks to swig some wine in the garage. But, if I kept it hidden, I could have my cake and eat it, too.
You can only hide for so long. If you drink enough alcohol for a long period, everything will come to a crashing halt, no matter who you are. Anyone who drinks to excess will suffer a consequence, some just bigger than others.
The cracks in my foundation began to show and split wide. Let’s just say that passing out while having a toddler playdate at your house won’t end well. When my husband arrived home early from work one day to see me passed out on the living room floor while kids played in the backyard, it was the final straw. I was given an ultimatum that day, to get my act together, go to rehab, and quit drinking, or my time as a mother would be coming to a close.
I had to decide between alcohol and my married life with children. I chose life, at that moment. I knew my gig was up and I was no longer fooling anyone around me. I thought I was done but then it was hard for me to picture the rest of my life without alcohol.
While I was able to stay sober for a year, the insidious nature of alcohol crept back into my life so easily, it was like I never had a problem. I easily forgot every negative consequence. I didn’t remember drinking in the morning, the times others called me out, or the lonely times I spent with a bottle instead of other people. I only remembered the good times and celebrations.
That is how alcohol works its way into a brain like mine. But, this can happen to anyone with a pulse, no one is immune. It doesn’t matter if you are rich, famous, broke, a mother, a doctor, or a student. You don’t have to have a family history of alcoholism or trauma, although many cases do, it’s not a prerequisite.
After I bartered for that first drink after a year of sobriety, I was back in the same awful space about a year later. I fooled myself for a good amount of time so, in my head, there was no way I was an alcoholic. I thought that alcoholics had to drink every day, which is not the case.
I had no idea yet just how insidious and evil alcohol was and what it was capable of. I still thought that somehow I was different, even after having to go to rehab and staying sober for a year. Somehow, I wasn’t ready yet.
It took many tries. I fell and got up more times than I’d like to admit. Some catastrophic instances didn’t make me want to quit enough, so I kept up the song and dance until I was, as they say, “sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
The day eventually came, when I would break up with alcohol for good, but it took a lot of heartache to get to that point. Eventually, I was able to surrender, grab its wrath by the horns, and rip myself free from evil alcohol.
Alcohol tried to destroy me for years and it won in many ways. It robbed me of my confidence and gave me false hope instead. It removed trust from all of my relationships. It wore me down and stripped me of any ounce of positive self-esteem. It snatched away my looks and my health, turning me into a red, bloated mess with chronic stomach issues.
It played a part in my breast cancer. And, for something that started so innocently, I am still dumbfounded by the end result. I was a shell of my former self, someone with no dignity. I was a liar and a fraud. And, even though I wasn’t drinking every day, my binges took me down a dark path that would spill into my sober days. It made me someone that I never want to be again.
Today, I can gratefully say that I am nothing like my drunk self.
The insidious nature of alcoholism is why some believe it to be a disease. It goes unrecognized until it’s too late and treatment is necessary. I know that now, after countless hours of reading about my addiction issues. I am so grateful that I can write about it today and spread awareness. I no longer feel the uncontrollable urge to drink and have been released from the insidious, evil grip that continued to tear my life apart.
If I have any advice for someone who is just starting to drink, it would be this:
You aren’t special or unique when it comes to becoming an alcoholic. It can happen to you. If you start needing it in every social situation, you are playing Russian roulette. If you don’t notice the patterns early on, you are walking a fine line of denial. Try to go to parties or events sober and you will see that you can have fun with others, make deeper connections, and feel healthy. Feeling healthy sure beats a hangover.
This is coming from a little, blonde cheerleader with good grades but one who experienced trauma she never spoke about. Get in tune with your feelings instead of drowning them.
Don’t stunt your life and your potential by believing alcohol’s lies. It’s no wonder that no one wakes up thinking, I am so glad I got wasted last night. Getting wasted only puts you at risk of alcoholism. It’s best if you don’t participate at all.
That way, you can be entirely sure, you will escape the insidious nature of alcohol. You won’t be its next prey if you abstain. And that is a gift.