Alcohol Introduces You to Your Tipsy Alter Ego

The person looking back at me in the mirror today is not the same person from a few years ago

Photo by mariel reiser on Unsplash

On January 6th, 2021, I looked at myself in the mirror after a week-long binge. I didn’t even resemble myself. What I noticed was that my alcoholic, abusive, drug-addicted mother was staring back at me.

I saw her scary face. But, it was me. I was turning into her, minus the abusive part.

During my entire childhood, I made several promises to myself that I would not be like my mother. Drugs and alcohol made her into an awful, abusive, and downright mean person. Drugs and alcohol ruled her life and I always thought she chose them over me.

I only have a few good memories of my childhood with her. The rest is all very traumatic. I never wanted to be like her and I vowed not to.

When I first started drinking, it was just normal teenage behavior. I wouldn’t be like her because my personality was completely opposite. But, I was also awkward and shy and I found that alcohol brought me out of my shell. It made me feel comfortable.

I still never thought I would be like her. I also had limited knowledge about addiction and how it can manifest in anyone. Addiction does not discriminate just because you are a good person.

But when I think back on those early drinking days, I drank because I wanted to get drunk. That is always why I wanted to drink. I didn’t drink for the taste but for the effect.

Drugs came into the picture and stuck around for a while. Alcohol turned me on to drugs and anytime I would drink, I thought it would be better if I did some drugs, too. The effect was even better when both things were mixed.

Alcohol slowly and sneakily started turning me into someone else. Someone that couldn’t socialize sober. Someone that turned into the complete opposite when intoxicated.

I was the life of the party. Loud, talkative, bold, and someone that never wanted to stop. I didn’t want the party to be over. I wanted to keep going all night if drugs and alcohol were both involved.

It all makes sense because alcohol is a depressant that slows down the brain and central nervous system. These are the things that we need for good decision-making and the overall reason why we are the way we are.

It changes the way we act and feel. If you drink for long enough, you really lose sight of who you are.

Although alcohol didn’t change me in the way that it changed my mother, it produced a fake version of me. This version was so chatty, oftentimes talking over people. I made besties wherever I went. I was easygoing with all activities and did whatever everyone else wanted to do so that is why I think people wanted to be around me.

But, I was also secretive. I was trying to keep my personality-changing liquid use on the down low. I needed it more than everyone else and if you do, people talk about you and then they worry, so if I kept it half hidden, I could escape all of that.

It made me so emotional and ridiculous at times, too. Creating unnecessary drama with my family.

It made me forget special memories and things that I said. It made me gossip. It made me sloppy and embarrassing.

I am none of those things today. That person is not me. Alcohol changed me and at first, it showed me all of the good acquired qualities. I was funny, extroverted, friendly, and easygoing with everyone.

As my nasty relationship with alcohol went on, I became distant, secretive, dramatic and emotional, and often one to say things I regretted the next morning if I remembered what I said.

It’s a sneaky, slippery slope that you take a gamble with when you start drinking and/or using drugs. You might like the personality change at first, which then triggers your brain to want that same feeling. You remember the concerts, parties, date nights, and hangouts with friends that all involved substances. They were so much fun. You need to use substances at all the same kinds of events now.

That is how it starts. At least, that is how it started for me.

I was talking to my husband the other day about how you can spot someone with a drinking problem. This came up because I was telling him how amazing it is that I don’t ever feel the need or want to drink anymore. I was remembering the times that I would sneak it and he told me that he always knew.

He could tell if I just had one drink. The alcohol was already beginning to change me.

Most people could have one drink and be around me without me knowing. But, there are a few people that I know in my life that I notice this change. They have one drink and their voice changes. Their mannerisms change and then the search for more alcohol is on.

That is how I was. Not at first but later in my drinking career. I would become instantly changed by the substance. It may be subtle or unnoticeable to some but someone that knows you, like my husband knows me, can spot it immediately.

When he brought that up it made me think of others that have a drinking problem and how they change immediately. It’s a strange thing, our search to change ourselves. The ones that drink too much are altered immediately.

The beginning of the complete personality changes begins and it seems like that is what we are after. We must not want to be ourselves.

I know I didn’t.

When I decided to get sober and remained sober for a solid 6 months, I noticed that I no longer wanted to change my personality. I embraced being an introvert and the real me. I didn’t need to change for others because I was liking the person I was deep down.

That person was always hiding inside but often masked by drugs and alcohol, creating my alter-ego. I got tired of that alter ego after a while. She became annoying and I decided to never let her come back.

It was the best decision I’ve ever made.

If you are struggling, know that you aren’t alone. If you surrender, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and your true self will emerge if you embrace it.

Why does alcohol change us?

Alcohol causes the prefrontal cortex to shrink. No wonder I felt so unintelligent. This decreases self-control and increases the ability to get angry.

We want to get loose and feel uninhibited but when we take it too far, we continue to lose self-control and therefore, do things we wouldn’t normally do.

We may get angry over insignificant things and fight with our friends and partner.

The following day after a night of drinking you can experience mood swings, anxiety, and the inability to make tough decisions. I think that is what makes a hangover even worse. I would feel useless on those days.

Thankfully, sobriety can reverse the damage done to the brain. Long-term personality changes can be undone over time.

At 2.5 years sober, I feel like a new person. I feel engaging, I don’t get angry over minuscule things, I actually feel happy most of the time, and I no longer feel unintelligent.

I will continue to embrace the person I am, introverted most of the time and all. Anything is better than being in the cycle of addiction.

What do you think? I would love to have conversations about the personality changes you encountered.