As I wrote about recently, I don’t love being called an alcoholic or addict when I am not drinking or using.
I like to say that I was an alcoholic. I am not currently an alcoholic. I am in recovery and sober. That is how I like to identify. But, to each their own. I don’t think we all have to identify with the same labels.
A person that previously smoked cigarettes doesn’t go around calling themselves a “cigaretteaholic”. They simply say they used to smoke.
I know this doesn’t work for many, but this is what works for me. After trying AA meetings for many years and never liking them, I have found other ways to remain sober thanks to the many books and podcasts I have listened to.
I think AA is great for many, but recovery isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution. You don’t have to agree with me and I am aware that this might be controversial but when I heard this in a meeting, I was turned off.
“If you don’t share, you will die.”
I hate sharing and speaking in front of groups and never have gotten over this fear.
The anxiety that came from trying to be like everyone else in meetings is not conducive to my recovery.
I do like many things about the program, including making a list of people that you have harmed and making amends to them. I completed all of the steps and decided to move on with my life.
This is the story of December 2020, the end of my addiction. If I pick up another drink or a drug, I will become an addict and alcoholic again, there is no doubt in my mind about that.
Let me mention, too, that I started drinking again during Covid after some time sober.
Two years ago today, I had recently recovered from COVID-19 after a long Thanksgiving destination trip to Mexico. We shouldn’t have gone because Covid started to spike again the day before we left but that’s another story.
7 days of drinking in a row will obliterate any immunity to fight off illness. On December 1st, I almost passed out at yoga, too nauseous and dizzy to even complete the class.
Something was up and it wasn’t just the hangover. I’ve worked out hungover enough to know.
My symptoms continued to get worse and I tested positive. As someone in my 40s, it is hard to recover from a week-long drinking vacation. It was normal to take 3–4 days to recoup.
Now, adding Covid to it, made for a very miserable 12 days.
By day 10, I was feeling a little better but it was a good two weeks before I went out to do anything.
By the time all of the holiday festivities rolled around, I was good to go. By that, I mean I was good to drink.
It started with a holiday party with friends, dinner with another friend, Christmas Eve Eve celebrations, followed by a Christmas Eve family party, and I couldn’t even function by Christmas.
My poor kids. We stayed in our pajamas all day on Christmas, mom too hungover to do anything else. We usually like to go to the movies on Christmas day but that was a hard no.
We were also invited to watch movies at another friend’s house, but I couldn’t move. My husband was livid, and my girls retreated.
The following day, I felt better so I was good enough to go out to dinner with friends. Because I was already snowballing out of control, I fought the little angel off my shoulder who was begging me to make good decisions.
As always, when I start sliding deep into the addiction plate, I think it’s a good idea to get pre-drinks and post-drinks when I know I am going out to a social event. I know this about myself, shrug it off because either I don’t care or I know how that “wanting more” feeling will encompass me later.
6 shots of Fireball at the liquor store should do it.
This is active addiction.
Two shots on the way to dinner, maybe one in the bathroom while I am there so I don’t appear to be drinking too much, and then some on the way home so I can surely hit the point of passing out.
New Year’s Eve came and the hangover went. At this point, I couldn’t be brought back to life. The next few days involved some sneaking and some drinking out in the open.
Then, I got the bright idea to visit my friend from high school. My party friend. My ride or die for a good time.
My husband hated it when we got together. He knew what was coming. But, he let me go anyway. I should add, that my daughter drove us to her house which is an hour away and she was just recently licensed at 16 years old.
I hate that I did this to her. I forced her, basically, and put her in an awful situation to be driving her tipsy mom (yeah, I was already tipsy because why not get the party started at home).
She wanted to go because she is really good friends with my friend’s daughters. They have a great time together even when their moms are getting sloshed.
That night was a shit show. Too much wine, too fast, and I remember asking my friend for a Xanax because I hadn’t been sleeping for the past 2 weeks.
Newsflash: Alcohol ruins your sleep.
Drinking and sleeping for me do not mix. Once I go to sleep after drinking, I always wake up at 2–3 am and don’t fall back asleep. Or, if I didn’t have enough to drink, I won’t fall asleep.
My solution to this is to always find some Xanax somewhere.
I still woke up at 3 am but knew everyone else would be sleeping in. So, I thought it would be a good idea to down some more wine so I would pass out again.
In that amount of time, I must have slipped something into my bag. After making my daughter drive her still-drunk mama home that next morning, I found a bottle of wine in my bag after I brought my belongings up to my room.
My first thought was, “Thank GOD!”
I was already feeling shaky and knew I would be withdrawing from the debauchery once I got home. Now, I didn’t have to stop. I would just secretly drink the wine and go along with my hangover.
This was the beginning of the end of my addiction. The next few days were some of the worst days of my life.
I hid out alone in our spare bedroom, drinking around the clock until the end of January 6th.
January 6th, 2021 was my last day as an alcoholic.
Stayed tuned for my 3 years of sobriety post!
I hate the label as well, because we are so much more than what we choose to call ourselves at the worst times. Language is so powerful and I applaud you sharing your mindset at the time.
I've been where you were.
My favorite go-to drug when I was drinking was cocaine. I could drink for weeks without eating much or sleeping. I was living with someone who had endless supplies. Every night, we would fill an ashtray (one of those red plastic ones from bars, for some reason we had dozens of them) with coke and snort the entire batch before the sun rose.
I am in the middle of my series on alcohol and addiction on Medium. I've also dedicated one of my free newsletters on the subjects. I also believe we don't need labels. There's way too much of that in the world today. Why can't we just be ourselves?
I'm glad AA had some influence on your sobriety. I write about it a lot in my articles. I like to give people options for starting their path to sobriety and nothing is easier than an AA meeting because they're everywhere. I don't attend AA any more. I think if they dropped the religion aspect (some believe heavily in it) they would double their attendance.
I've been reading your stories and I'm a fan of your work. I will continue to follow and support you. People like us need to share our stories so others can find the courage and the influence to seek help.
Continued success.
Regards.